It has been one month since we pulled away from our little one bedroom apartment in the beautiful ATL. I wish I could say lots has happened...but, not much has. I take that back, there has been a lot happening, just nothing that I was hoping for. I was set on coming home and finding a good job down in Cedar City, getting into a house, and setting up our 'perfect' new lives ASAP. Well, I'll tell you what, the big man upstairs must be chuckling at me for thinking that I can take everything into my own hands and have everything pan out according to my timeline. This past month has definitely been another big reminder and test on my part to be PATIENT and to keep in mind that I want to do the Lord's will, on his timeline.
When Nate and I first found out that there was a possibility of him getting a coaching job at SUU, we were stoked. Moreover, we both felt strongly that moving to Cedar City and taking that job was where we needed to go. I can already see that this position is going to be great for Nate in many ways. And for that, I am definitely super excited (and of course my sister goes to school there and we are only 3 hours away from family and close to lots of outdoorsy stuff...I'm SUPER excited for all that too). However, although I am so excited and know that we need to move down to SUU, I feel so lost. Maybe I am going through a 'post-graduate' crisis, but for the past little while I have been quite frankly bummed about not knowing what my future direction is. I have spent countless hours researching many different paths that I could take. And while I have definitely narrowed down my choices, I haven't felt too excited or prompted in any path. I had been 'searching, pondering, and praying' about what my direction needs to be and what I need to set my sights on now that I am done with school and running and I was getting almost frustrated at my lack of answers. All I was asking for was some excitement about something... any kind of little nudge. Right at the moment when I was about to throw in the towel and declare "bum status" for the rest of my life, I received an answer.
This past year was one of the most trying years for me. I didn't have any big devastating catastrophes to deal with, but for me, I was pushed beyond what I thought was possible. I was given a schedule which seemed to be impossible. I went into each semester big-eyed and nervous; sure that I was not going to live through it. I prayed all the time for the strength to make it through each day, each hour; heck, some days I would start to tear up in class because as my professor started on to a new intense subject or assignment I would get so overwhelmed and pray just to hold back my tears. I was sure that if I stayed diligent and just kept doing the best I could, I was going to be blessed for it. Specifically, I knew that I was going to obtain my running goals. It says in Ether that, "ye receive not witness until after the trail of your faith." I thought for sure that my trail was the school year and that if I endure it well I was going to be blessed with running some fast times on the track. I started to get really excited to because workouts were going really well! I was in great shape and my workouts showed that I was well prepared to run my goal times. But as each meet came and went I still hadn't reached my goals. Then conference came, my last chance to get my goals. And you know what, I sucked it up at conference. As silly as it is to get so emotional over something which, in the grand scheme of things, is so unimportant, I was very hurt that I ended my collegiate running career without my goals in my hand. After conference I was sitting with some of my teammates and one of my teammates asked the same question that had been going through my mind over and over again. She said, "Kacee, I don't get it. What happened? You were in perfect shape to run fast...why didn't it happen?"
This past month lots of my energy has gone to thinking about why I didn't run fast and why I don't feel like I have any direction to my future. I felt so sure that if I worked hard this past year and endured my burden well that I was going to be blessed with these things. I felt that the end of the year was going to be the end of my 'trial'. I evaluated if I really had work as hard as I felt I did, and you know, I did. I can very honestly say that I did everything possible. I worked harder than I have in my entire life. So, I crossed that out of my mind as the reason as to why 'it didn't happen'. As I mentioned before I have spent lots of time trying to figure it all out. And although I haven't figured everything out, there are some big things I have.
I have felt our Savior's love for me more strongly than I have ever felt it. I know that he knows of my situation and he is very aware of my hurt and struggles. I know that this 'trial' of mine is preparing me for future endeavors. I am learning things that I need to learn. I guess a big one that He is hinting to me that I need to learn is patience. Patience, trust, and the ability to put my struggles in His control. I am somebody who loves to have a good grasp of everything in my life. It is very hard for me to rely completely on others. I get caught up in trying to do everything by myself, thinking that I can accomplish everything by my own grit, will power, and determination. Through these past few months (and with the help of THIS talk) I have realized and come to know that in order to be strengthened, I need to rely completely on our Savior, Jesus Christ. I have come to better understand the Atonement. Yes, it is meant to make it possible to repent of our sins, however, He suffered for so much more than that. He suffered for ever sickness, heartache, mental, emotional, and physical struggle in our lives. He knows exactly how I feel-- He knows how much it hurts to end my collegiate career with goals unsatisfied. He knows of the helplessness and how directionless I feel as I have no future plans. He knows exactly how I feel. And I know that He is asking me to rely on him in my life right now. Even though I can't see the big picture of why I need this struggle, He can. He knows what is best for me and is trying to aide me through it. I know Jesus Christ, our Savior and Redeemer loves me, just as our Heavenly Father loves me. He only wants what is best for me. Just like with running, going through the pain of a workout might not seem best at the moment, but in the end, it is what is best for you. I can already see (as I listed in my previous blog post) so many benefits. But it is not quite over and I know that being patient and putting my trust in Him, as hard as it is and has been, is exactly what I need to be doing right now.
I hope to soon be able to post about a sweet new job I get or new path I start down. Until then I will be doing all I can on my part and being faithful.
I also hope that if anyone that is going through any type of struggle, as insignificant as it may seem compared to others, I hope that y'all know that our Savior and Heavenly Father love you and are aware of you and what is going on in your life and they are their to help you.
Well, this is probably the most personal you'll see this blog get. I just had to get it all out :) Expect the next post to be full of life updates and birthday fun!