it gets better.

A recap of the past week before I get into the meat & potatoes of this post...

This past week was a fun one.  It's wedding time in the Hildebrandt family (Hildebrandt is my maiden name).  I was the first out of 24 grandchildren to get married.  Last Fall another one of my cousins got married, and this summer 2 of my cousins and my brother are getting married!  My cousin, Madison, married the beautiful Lindsey last weekend so we all headed down to California to celebrate.  It was a beautiful wedding and it was really fun being with all of my extended family that could make it out.

Sisters and the babe at the wedding.

After the wedding, we headed down to Newport Beach with my Uncle & Aunt and their 4 children for a little beach action.  It was a really fun week...though we found out that Ames is NOT a "Mommy's little beach bum" as one of his shirts proclaims.  The Dude has like beach allergies and kept rubbing sand in his eyes and nose.  So we never lasted too long at the beach.  But it was fun none-the-less!  My favorite part about it was renting bikes and cruising to Huntington Beach to watch U.S. Open Surfing!

Ames with is cousin (once removed) Zach.  We kept getting asked if they were twins.

The usual for him.

It was a really fun week, but we missed our baby daddy and were very ready to come home to him!

meeting his Great Grandparents for the first time!

4 generations!

Now: meat & potatoes...

I've opened up a couple times on this blog about how rough of a time I had after Ames was born.  You can read about them HERE and HERE.  Going through rough times I went to other Moms for comfort and advice.  One key phrase that everyone seemed to always say was...

"it gets better"

When I was in my most anxious/depressed states I could barely even imagine it getting better.  I felt so much despair that there seemed to be no hope for a brighter day.  Luckily I seemed to always muster up a little hope which propelled me to take on another day; each day I would pray that, "today will be a little bit better."

And you know,

it got better.

and better.

and better.

I can't say that I still don't have my moments where I feel like my world is going to come crashing down and I'm going to fail horribly,  but they are so few and far in-between now.

I used to cry on the daily before.  Nate's shoulders were soaked far more times than they were dry going to bed at night.  As I was out on a run earlier this week I was thinking about life and its intricacies and I realized that I am pretty much "me" again.  I don't remember the last time I went to bed crying because of postpartum crap.  I don't even blink an eye when Nate has to leave for work.  And I am enjoying my little baby boy more than ever.

I wish I found a marvelous cure or plan-of-action to help new moms through postpartum hormones.  But I am here to say: it gets better.

Those moments where you feel completely alone, where you feel like you can't keep going, where you feel super unstable, where you feel shaky and anxious, & where you feel numb will all fade.

You will make it.
You will be happy again.
You will be "you" again - an even better version of you!

It gets better.

Though I don't have a marvelous cure, I do have a few things that helped me...

-I stopped looking at social media.  I realized that seeing all the "my life is perfect" images were not helpful.  I would see someone post about how they just LOOOVE newborns while I'm over here like "I can't wait till you are older" - it would make me feel so guilty or like a bad Mom.  I eventually realized every mom is different and it doesn't mean I don't love my baby if I'm not as fond of the days where they just sleep, eat, and poop.

-I did my best to stay busy.  I now know the dangers of an idle mind.  I found little projects.  Called friends.  Set-up play dates. Went on walks...anything and everything I could think of to try and get into the groove of my new life.

-I eventually had to just not allow myself to think I was "broken"  Some people do great with learning about their 'condition' or going to support groups for it.  All that kind of stuff made me feel more and more "broken"  I finally just stopped giving mental energy to it.  I focused on everything else besides how I was feeling.  Please don't get me wrong, everyone needs to vent and feel sad, depressed, anxious...get those feelings out!  But I realized that I was focusing on how I was feeling every minute of the day and it just made it worse.  I gave myself a little bit of time each day to get my emotions out, but the rest of the time I had to focus on other things.  I had to convince myself that I was better. And eventually, it got better.

-I gave it time.  Time is the master teacher. The more time that went by, the more I was able to control my emotions.  Over time I became really good at realizing what thoughts or emotions I needed to give credit and other thoughts and emotions that were just raging hormones.  Over time I have become really good at 'brushing off' the anxiousness and not giving it any thought.

-I prayed. And prayed. And prayed some more.

All-in-all I feel very good where I am in terms of where I was.  I do still have bad days or weeks.  And I still get scared thinking of, as I have termed them, my 'dark days'.

But,

it got better.

And I know,

"it gets better"