So, on to blogging more often.
This past month has kinda been a harder one. And I honestly don't know exactly why. I've mentioned that I have trouble sleeping and this past month has kinda hit me a little harder. I stay awake at night and I honestly don't know why I can't sleep. The only anxiety I feel is about sleeping. I guess it goes a little beyond that...I have this weird anxiety that if I don't get enough sleep then I will just be the zombie of a person that can't be the kind of mom I want to be or can't run like I want to, or just can't enjoy life. The problem is, I stress about sleeping to the point that I keep myself up at night! It really is just ridiculous. Then to top it off, I get to frustrated with myself. I mean, who stresses over sleeping to the point where they can't sleep! It's really just dumb. But I haven't been able to quite shake it.
As this month has gone on and I've thought (probably too much) about why I've been struggling, something my good friend said hit me: I've been busy.
I was at her baby shower a few weeks ago and she was introducing me to her Mom. She told her mom how Nate had cancer, got a new job, we moved to Pocatello, bought a house & renovated it, & had a baby all within a year pretty much. After saying all of it she smiled and said, "yeah, she's been busy!"
And, I have been busy.
I feel like I am starting to finally feel the weight of everything. Through the thick of Nate's cancer I know without a doubt there were angels here on earth and beyond that held the weight for me. It was an amazing blessing. This scripture explains it: Mosiah 24:14 (Book of Mormon scripture) "And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as a witness for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions." I literally have felt this power - the power of the burden being lifted to the point that I couldn't even feel it. And, to do my part, I am witnessing about it :) However, I don't quite feel like that right now. I know without a doubt that the Lord is still with me and concerned about every detail, but I feel like he is letting me feel a little of the weight right now. And you know what, I'm not loving it. I know it's for my good, but it's hard! Trials are hard! Being so sleep deprived is hard! BUT. I know that trials truly are for our benefit, so I am doing my best to learn from it all. So I've been trying to learn... And so far I've learned that,
I've been busy.
Busy with...
Cancer: The cancer world is beautiful and ugly. We have experienced some of the biggest blessings and miracles and it has truly changed us for the better. And although Nate is doing amazing, I have been feeling the weight of it more. With Nate's surgeries that he has had in the past few months & hearing the news of others' cancers returning I have struggled with it more. I try super hard to not live in fear and let it affect me, but sometimes it just does. Because in reality I am TERRIFIED of Nate's cancer returning. I have tears in my eyes just typing it out. We were SUPER blessed at our outcome but we have been warned that if it comes back we probably won't be as lucky. I know I shouldn't stress about it, and most of the time I don't, but it has been stressing me out lately. Nate constantly tells me I'm stronger than I give myself credit for (which should be a big compliment coming from him cause he sees me as a mess sometimes haha). But I'm pretty positive I'm not strong enough to be widowed.
I've been busy.
Busy with...
Babies: I now know why they advise people to wait to have kids after cancer. They told us that even if Nate and I could have kids, it would be wise not to try for a year or so. And so what do we do? Just 5 months after radiation is over we get pregnant. Because of everything Nate went through it put us at risk to even get pregnant. I thought that we should start trying sooner than later in case we did run into infertility issues. But bam. Literally got pregnant right away and sweet little Corra joined us just a few months after Nate's 1 year mark. Honestly, I know that having Corra when we did was the right decision but I also know that it has made things harder on me. I had such a hard time after Ames that having another baby brought me a lot of anxiety. While most of that anxiety is gone away because I'm not dealing with post-partum crap like last time, I still have mostly self generated anxiety...I have this complex where I feel the need to do be the one to do it all for my family. I feel the weight and responsibility of motherhood very strongly. Which, for the most part I think is a good thing. But insert not being able to sleep because I stress about having enough energy to do it all + more and it turns into not the best thing. I just have the deepest desire to be able to be there for my babies, husband, family, & friends. And lately I have let it get to me too much...probably because,
I've been busy.
Busy with...
School & Bettering Myself: Along with a deep desire to be the best Mom, Wife, Friend, etc I constantly feel the need to improve myself. Again, a very good thing for the most part, but not a good thing when I lose sleep over it. I started school last January and set out a quest to become a nurse. I've always wanted to do something in the medical field and now I REALLY want to do something in the cancer world. I know how much of an impact good nurses make now. So I took some classes last Spring semester and then signed up for a couple more this Fall. I was actually excited about them, but nervous at the same time. I had this schedule all set up for myself that I was going to wake up early to run & workout (because of course I have to improve myself physically too and had to get back into hard training), then go to class, pick up the kids while Nate left to work, go play with the kids a park or a fun activity, then come home and get all the chores and stuff done while they slept & have dinner on the table the second Nate got home. It lasted for about a week. Again, this is doable, but it hit me at 3:00am the other night that school is just too much right now. Although it's a great goal, I need to just get a handle on other stuff right now...like sleeping more...before I dive into another semester of busy school. There is a time and place for everything in life. A time to be super busy and go crazy with goals. But it's just not my time, as much as I hate it. It's not time to take more upon myself while the weight of what I already have is weighing me down. So, as of yesterday, I quit all my classes. I'm already feeling better. I have plenty of other stuff that...
I've been busy (with).
Busy with...
House buying and renovations: It's super stressful buying a house! And although we made a great decision and I truly love our house. I actually love home projects but it, again, is something that has just been on my mind that I feel like I constantly have to be doing. I feel like I always have to be working on something because there is always something to be done. We hit our year mark of buying this house about a month ago and I was proud of all the things we have done....
I've been busy.
Busy with...
Just life: I feel dumb even saying that things have been weighing me down lately. Cause really none (with the exception of cancer) of these things are bad. I am SO blessed. SO blessed to be able to do so much and have so much. But like I mentioned, there is a time and a place for everything. The last year was our time to 'do it all' - conquer cancer, get a new job, move to a new state, buy a new house, work to make the house itself new, have a new baby, start a new school/career path, new running PRs, etc etc. Life's "burdens" were taken off our shoulders and we were blessed with the ability to handle it all - I actually have to give myself a little pat on the back for how well I handled it all. But now, as I started to try and 'do it all' again, it's been a little harder. The weight of just life has been weighing me down. So I decided it is now my season to rest for a while. To truly just enjoy the small and simple things and not worry so much about progressing and bettering. I'm going to try and just love my family, serve others more, run just because I love running, and pick one little task at a time to try and do better at. Right now, that task is sleeping better. Once that isn't a concern anymore, then maybe my 'plate' will grow a little and I'll be able to handle a little more. I truly know there is a time and season for everything. I know that someday down the road I'll be able to be the 'superwoman' that I usually love to be and can be without too much trouble. But now is not the time because,
I've been (maybe a little too) busy.
So, imma rest for a while. And whenever my battery is fully charged, I know that I'll be ready to say "bring it on" to life again. We probably were able to handle so much lately because during Nate's cancer all we did was love each other and rested. So although I have to do it a little begrudgingly, I'm going to try and soak in the slower paced life and recharge again.
Here's to finding the perfect balance of how to 'be busy'!
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